Do you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage? Chances are, you do. Miscarriage is heartbreakingly common — between 10–20% of pregnancies end in loss. When I first learned this statistic, I immediately thought of my own mother and close friends who have walked through the pain of losing a baby they never got to meet.
As much as we want to support our loved ones during this time, many of us feel unsure of what to say or do. To better understand how we can show up for those grieving a miscarriage, we asked our Standing With You Instagram community:
“After miscarriage (either you or a loved one), what words or gestures were helpful, hurtful, and what resources made the experience easier?”
Here are some key takeaways from the responses we received:
What Was Helpful
Acknowledge that She’s Still a Mama
The experience of pregnancy, no matter how long or short, is a life-changing experience. Just because her baby is no longer with us here on earth does not take away her motherhood. It may help her to feel seen and like her baby is not forgotten.
Give Her Space to Talk About Her Baby
Don’t feel like you need to pretend that she was never pregnant—talk to her about it. The mom sharing about her baby without fear that it’s making others uncomfortable can be healing and validating for her as a mother. Even if you don’t fully understand, your empathy matters.
Connect With Others
Although many women share that they feel alone in their experience, they also share that it is helpful to connect with women who have also experienced miscarriage. In connecting with other mothers of angel babies, they can learn what personally helped them, such as naming them, and even seeing hope in meeting their rainbow babies.
“Someone just genuinely asking if I was okay or what I needed, like a meal or something, was amazing!”
- Anonymous
What Was Hurtful
Don’t Say, “At least…” or “Maybe it was meant to be…”
Comments such as these are probably rarely, if at all, ever helpful. Although you may be attempting to help your loved one feel better, that’s not usually how it comes across. This can be seen as a minimization of the precious and very real life she lost.
Comparing Experiences
Whether comparing pain levels or how someone else handled their miscarriage, this comparison can be hurtful. Everyone’s experience is unique and making it sound as though one woman’s experience should be just like another can set unhelpful expectations or create feelings of doubt in how she is handling her experience.
Playing the Blame Game
Now (or ever) is not the time to suggest that it was anyone’s fault or ask if specific measures were taken to ensure miscarriage would happen. Unfortunately, there is no way to ensure that miscarriages can happen even to the healthiest individuals. Simply letting her know that it’s not her fault can be comforting instead.
“You can always try again.”
Like my first point here, saying this sort of comment portrays a lack of empathy for the child she lost.
Resources that Made a Difference
Mothers report being given a variety of items in care package form including feminine pads, heating pads, and sitz bath salts. Handwritten notes, food gift cards and meals, and flowers are also a way to let her know that she is not alone. Friends also report that they sent tiny care packages from different ministries. To learn more about our recommended care packages or to find a helpful shopping list of items to get a mama who has miscarried, visit StandingWithYou.org/Miscarriage.
“We brought flowers and a sympathy card, visited to talk and be there for them, and we brought flowers again on the first anniversary and let them know we were thinking about them and their angel baby.”
- Anonymous
Conclusion
Ultimately, every person grieves differently. You know your friend or family member best, so use these insights as a guide to respond with compassion and care. Miscarriage is a deeply personal and difficult experience, and your presence, even in silence, can be a powerful comfort. By listening without judgment, acknowledging their loss, and offering gentle support, we can help our loved ones feel seen, heard, and not alone in their grief.
If you or someone you know is walking through miscarriage, Standing With You is here with resources, community, and hope. Please visit StandingWithYou.org/Miscarriage to learn more or find helpful resources.
Disclaimer: Standing With You team members are not legal counsel or licensed therapists. You can be connected to a variety of professional resources in your area via the Standing With You website directory or the 24/7 chat, text, and phone call service. If you are experiencing a pregnancy emergency, visit PregnancyEmergency.org or call 911 for immediate assistance.